So Far Away

Four months and 24 days from the day I wrote those words, my world shattered.  A routine doctor's visit led to an MRI that revealed my husband had metastatic lung cancer.  That day is burned into my brain.  My best friend, my soulmate, the love of my life was dying and there wasn't a thing in the world I could do to change that.

The next 16 weeks passed in fits and spurts, some moments are indelibly etched, and others are foggy.  One thing we all learned from this is that you can get another job, you can earn another dollar, you can start another project, BUT you can't get more time.

Never in my life have I experienced grief like I have since the day we found out Jerrell was dying.  It comes in waves and often threatens to suck me under with no way to reach the shore.  I don't carry my grief alone, my husband was well-loved and we, as a family, are "there for each other" as we make this journey without him.  'Without' is now my most hated word because, from the day he died until the day I join him, I will be without him.  Memories are a comfort and a curse; pictures are a source of joy and tears.

Boot Hill Cemetery - Tombstone, AZ

Jerrell was always up for a visit to a cemetery or a courthouse.   As a matter of fact, on our first date, we went to a cemetery, true love.

I began researching his family not long after we got together, and for years, the progress was minimal. About six years ago, I hit on one tiny piece of information that blew things wide open. Fortunately, we were able to travel to Georgia, South Carolina, and Tennessee, as well as some places in Texas where his family was prominent in history.  I always told him it wasn't fair that I'd researched my family for over forty years, and then overnight, he had way cooler history fall into my lap.

I haven't been able to even think about researching again.  I've dipped my toe in the waters a couple of times, but so far, it's just not right.  I do not doubt that I'll pick up the threads again with time, but it will never be the same 'without' my partner.

So, how does this relate to the title of "So Far Away"?  Never are we so far away from the ones we love as we are in death.